I have a drinking problem. The first step is admitting it right? Well I fully admit it. In fact, I've always had a drinking problem. Even when I was a kid. What's more disturbing is that all of my 3 young children seem to have drinking problems too.
Now it's not what you think. ...Although truth be told, if you ask the right person...well you know what, let's not go there. My problem is less about abusing the Nectar of the Gods and more about my inability to control and/or contain liquids in my possession. This really could extend to solids as well if I think about it. I'm just a clutz, there's no two ways about it.
As a "lady" (alright, settle down with the laughter) I would like to think of myself as classy and graceful. Unfortunately for me, those are two things that I certainly am NOT. Try as I might, there are forces, forces far beyond my control; cosmic forces if you will, that make it virtually impossible for me to not drop, spill, trip, break or mangle things. This cosmic force only grows stronger with my awareness of its existence. It's further amplified when there is more at stake, such as if there are expensive electronics nearby or if someone is looking at me (or if I'm at work or home or absolutely anywhere in the world at any time).
If I go about my life and am distracted enough to not pay attention to what I'm doing, as odd as it may seem, it actually is better. It's when I am paying attention that things go haywire. For instance, if I'm at work and carrying a hot coffee, as long as I'm engaged in conversation I might actually make it back to my desk without incident. On the contrary, if I so much as even look at the coffee, remember that I have it or otherwise let the thought "don't spill it" enter my mind for a split-second, it's over. My hand immediately begins shaking. My walking seems to change to some crazy kind of "jump-stomp-running" - and that's not even a real thing, but the way the coffee starts splashing about, you would think it was! Now maybe it's not so odd to merely have an unsteady hand with a hot cup of coffee. Surely we've all been there. But there's more.
If I'm in a car and attempt to take a sip out of a bottle of anything, it's as if the car knows and will hit a bump, jerk or accelerate in some fashion that results in much of my beverage going up my nose and down my shirt. Yes, I'm in a moving vehicle at the time and sure, that might make it seem like a not-so-strange phenomenon but then answer me this....why then is it that if I am sitting completely still, on solid ground, the very same thing will happen? Surely the Earth hasn't rapidly accelerated the very moment I attempted to wet my whistle. Yet it happens. And it happens a lot. I'll say the odds are close to 70/30 in favor of spillage, choking or up the nose at any given time. At least two or three times a week, iced tea finds its way into my face via other avenues than my mouth. The times it finds its way into my blouse is more than double that. Thankfully, in the case of "down the wrong pipe" it's less frequent at maybe once or twice a week.
Now that you are familiar with my inability to carry and consume beverages, I'll let you in on a little secret. ...I can't have anything near me either - not even if it's carefully and firmly placed on a flat level surface. It will somehow manage to tip over, even if I'm not anywhere near it. It's true. And when it spills, you bet your sweet ass it's going to go everywhere. Even if there's only one ounce spilling, it will rapidly expand to create widespread destruction. You think I'm kidding don't you? Well, I'm not. There's no scientific explanation, but I can name quite a few witnesses who can attest to this fact. Should I be lucky enough to not have the spill cover everything in a 15 foot radius, then I guarantee you whatever does get hit, is going to be the worst possible thing. Whatever can NOT get wet or destroyed will absolutely take the brunt. 100% of the time.
But this is my life. I expect nothing else. I inherited this from my mother and all three of my kids inherited it as well. And while my husband cannot conceive of how these things are even possible, he still sees it happen. He sees it happen and he flips his lid. I, on the other hand, see it coming a mile away and just prepare myself. Yea, I flip out about it from time to time too, but I'm so used to it that I usually can handle it. Years of experience has taught me though that no good EVER comes from saying to the kids "whatever you do, DON'T spill it." I might as well just go right over and slap it right out of their hands, because saying "don't spill it" is a damn-near guarantee that it's going down. So I stopped saying that and started buying more paper towels. What else can I really do?
So if you see me coming your way with a hot cup of coffee, an unopened bottle of water or even an overturned thimble with a single rain drop in it, run. Run far and run fast and take anything you hold valuable with you, because I promise you no matter how unlikely I will find a way to accidentally destroy it. You won't believe your eyes, but the destruction will speak for itself.
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