20 Rules for Elevators...in no particular order

1. If you see me speed-walking to the elevator, it's because I'm trying to catch that one, not because I'm trying to break the World record for speed-walking a distance of 8 feet.  Hold the damn door!  It's not going to clamp down on your arm and sever it off.  (well, it probably won't)  
2. If the doors are already closing and I know you see me, at least pretend to try to press the "door open" button.  Give me the "scrambling for the button, worried expression" routine.  I don't even care if you intentionally press the alarm to make it appear you were fumbling.
3. If I do this to you, I didn't see you.
4. Don't push past, especially a woman or child, to get into the elevator first.  Chances are they are still getting on that same elevator and now your little body-check has you riding with people who hate your guts. 
5. If the elevator looks too crowded, it IS.  Please don't press your body heat against others.
6. If you cram too many people in the elevator and then it does that little "jump" thing before the doors close and I freak out and say "OK LET ME OUT OF HERE" I'm not kidding, let me out so I don't freak out for the rest of the ride.
7. If you are a smoker, take the stairs.  Even if you stroke out on the way up, it's still worth it.  You smell and you make the elevator smell too.
8. If you have eaten garlic, onions or shit in the last day or so or if you even marginally suspect you could have bad breath, do NOT speak in the elevator.
9. In fact, there is no reason whatsoever that you can't ride the elevator with others in total silence.  I think a lot of people don't realize this.
10. God Bless you if you have a cell phone signal in the elevator, but please refrain from having your loud conversation in there a midst the rest of us.  We sure as sugar don't care about your personal matters and news flash -just because you say "oh no he dih-int" does not change that fact that he surely did, and thanks to you and your too-loud-of-a-talker cell phone friend, we all know the whole story.
11. It is completely acceptable to fake that you forgot something and leave the elevator so to avoid an annoying or smelly person.
12. If someone says to you "oh damn, I forgot something" and they leave the elevator, take it as a hint that you better invest in some Altoids and antiperspirant and try to avoid ever conversing with anyone again in a confined space.
13. If you accidentally make eye contact, conversation is still not necessary.  A forced smile with pressed lips and a glance away for the duration of the trip is recommended.
14. Avoid catch phrases.  If all the floor numbers are lit, no need to say "I guess we caught the local".   We've heard that one before if you can believe it.  "I guess I'll take a ride" is not necessary when you enter an elevator that is going up in spite of you wanting to go down.  When you stepped in anyway after the smoker barked "this elevator is going up, hun" it was pretty well assumed by everyone that you would indeed being going for the ride. 
15. If I say "how are you?" know that it's just a pleasantry and I'm expecting a simple one-word response.  If your life is a living hell, see a therapist, not me.  I'm just trying to get to the cafeteria, not hear your life story and provide counsel over the next few floors.
16. If I have my food with me, don't say "gee that food smells good - at least if this elevator gets stuck we have food!".  The reasons why this is wrong are three-fold.  First and foremost, what would make you think I would share my food with you?  Number two, please don't bring up the possibility of this elevator getting stuck while we are already inside of it marinating in your exhaled breath.  Third, how long would you expect that we would be in here that we would have to resort to parceling out my chicken salad to survive?
17. Please don't ask me to push the floor number for you.  I'm not the bell hop and the elevator is five feet wide, I think you can manage.
18. When it's time to get out of the elevator, the people waiting to get in should stand aside and wait for it to unload first.  Don't stand directly in front of the elevator doors unless you actually want to be trampled.
19. DO NOT get into the elevator before the other people get out, that is just ridiculous and you look like a moron who cannot grasp common social conventions.
20. If you feel the sensation of a bodily functin of any kind building, REFRAIN.  Even if the refrain causes pain, discomfort or even death.