This may very well be the first wedding that we have ever been to (ours included) that we didn't come busting in frazzled and stressed just as the crowd quiets and the ceremony starts. The ceremony was set to start at 3pm and we made it there by 3pm on the dot. Being at least five minutes early would have been ideal, but I'll take what I can get.
Weddings involve a great deal of thought, planning and preparation. Weeks and even months in advance you start to think about your dress and you go on a crash diet. Days before, you wish you had done more teeth whitening and realize it's too late to get your hair done like you wanted and there's no time for tanning. You rethink every detail of your ensemble and inevitably forget something important the day of. I'm not talking about the bride either...I'm talking about any female who has ever gone to any wedding ever. You might think every wedding was our own.
I have a dress I bought recently but I'm disgusted to admit that I've grown "fluffier" since a couple months ago. I decided it best to buy a new one rather than set myself up for the kind of heartbreak that comes with your 3 month old dress being too tight. With the wedding on Sunday, I chose Friday afternoon at lunchtime to get my entire look put together. Always last minute with me. I was thrilled when I found an absolutely adorable pair of shoes. I then did what every logical woman would do...built the whole look around a cute pair of shoes. I got everything at one store, it was amazing. I brought it home proud of my accomplishment. First thing I did when I got home was put the shoes on. Well, I put the left shoe on. The right shoe turned out to be a no-go. The entire outfit was now ruined. How could the shoe not fight my right foot!!?? It has always been the more cooperative of two. Usually if the left fit, the right surely would. Not this time.
Friday night now and I'm on a quest to get a new pair of shoes. It was my only chance to get everything I needed because Saturday was completely out of the question. We had a soccer game and not one, but two birthday parties to attend so Friday was do or die. To my surprise, I found another absolutely adorable pair of shoes that fit both feet and were on sale! I couldn't believe it!! Only thing was, they didn't match my dress so I bought a new one to go with the new shoes. I like this newer dress better anyway and the accessories I bought still match so I'm all set!
The day of the wedding my husband and I are both trying to get ready in the same space. My bedroom and bathroom seemed go from normal size to dollhouse size. We were bumping into each other, trying to squeeze past to reach for things and just generally in each other's ways. Then it was time to put on my Spanx. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about when I say I was dreading this moment. With Spanx in hand, I looked at my husband with a fear and desperation in my eyes and asked him to kindly leave the room so I could get dressed. His puzzled look told me he didn't know what Spanx were or what I was about to attempt. When he asked why he had to leave the room, I simply said "I don't want you to see what is about to go down". He rolled his eyes and walked out to watch ESPN in the living room in just his dress shirt and underwear.
For the next ten to fifteen minutes, I endured one of the most disturbing struggles of my life. Getting that sucker on was as physically taxing as it was emotionally damaging. I think wrestling a live gorilla would have taken second place in my list of all time roughest physical altercations. I'm pretty sure I'm heavily bruised, and I know I can't breath at all. The fact that the mere act of putting it on makes you sweat is nothing but a slap in the face since the thing is essentially a baby-sized rubber wresting singlet. I'm surprised my husband didn't check to make sure an intruder hadn't broken in from all the noise I was making. At one point the struggle gave way to crying. I almost fell down more than once and I cant' be certain because my ears had started ringing by then, but I might have broken a vase.
Against all odds, I managed to get the thing on and then moved immediately on to the pantie hose. Yes, I wore pantie hose too because since I haven't been tanning and my legs haven't seen the sun since last summer, they were Rembrandt white. Let me give all you ladies (and cross-dressing men) a word of advice; don't attempt to put on pantie hose until your adrenaline level has gone back down. I was still so pumped up from the fight I had with the Spanx that I didn't know my own strength. I put one foot in the hose and then proceeded to literally rip the hose like a beast. I'm not talking about a simple runner, what I'm saying here is that I ripped them like Hulk Hogan does his shirts. My spirit broken and fighting tears (or perhaps now my eyes were sweating too) I searched for another pair. Ahh, found them!! But they are black....and my cute new shoes are gold. I tried them on anyway and it looked just plain stupid. I found another pair of shoes new in the box from the last dress I bought and they looked stupid too. Three new pair of shoes and I come walking out with my black heels I've had for years.
When I came downstairs my husband looked at me and said "Ah, you look nice!". This is why I didn't want him to see how I got that way. No matter how long you are together, you still want to keep some things to yourself. Your husband should never see you in the fight of your life just to look nice. He should think it comes totally naturally. Now I was feeling the fight was all worth while. The sweat had subsided, the adrenaline went down and my face wasn't as red. I felt like a lady instead of the swarthy, savage beast I was just moments ago. Now I just have to pray that I don't have to pee for the next six hours.
Awww we got some ink!!! You both looked fabulous!!! Who knew you had Hulk Hogan strength, lol...
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