Just Getting Out The Damn Door; a two-part mini-series

I'm lucky I make it to work by noon.  My morning ritual of getting ready for work with three kids is... well there's no delicate way to put this - it sucks.  My husband is out the door by 6:45 so I am on my own in the mornings.  He does make me a cup of coffee to wake me up every day, Bless his soul, but it's usually stone cold by the time I take a sip.

Since the boy has me up late every night suffering through his life-long sleep strike, come morning I'm miserable before I even open my eyes.  My baby girl is a good sleeper thank God, but early to bed early to rise is something she lives by.  She's up before seven every morning.  Now I know she might not be the first little lady awake on the block, but for me it feels like 4am.

As I attempt to send my teenager off to school, I hear my daughter starting to stir.  I think it's important I mention that "sending my teenager off to school" consists of me lying semi-conscious on my bed slurring my whisper-shouts of "did you take your vitamin?" "do you have lunch money?" "did you brush your teeth?" "DON'T WAKE UP YOUR SISTER!".  He knows better than to shout back because if he wakes up the baby before I get in the shower, my semi-conscience state rapidly morphs into a semi-murderous state.  He tries his best to be as quiet as possible then reliably slams the front door on his way out.  This usually sends the baby into a full-blown panic, as if she believes on a daily basis we have all abandoned her in the house.  This is my cue to jump up and get into the shower before she starts making herself throw up from crying so hard.

From the shower I'm yelling "OK baby, I'll be right there! Hold on!" like this will comfort her today even though it's never once worked before.  Meanwhile, I'm fumbling around getting shampoo in my eyes and trying not to slice my foot off on the razor I dropped but can't see because I don't wear glasses in the shower.  I get out and try to put on a baby ducky towel because it always seems to be the only one left.  I've had necklaces that cover more than that towel.  By now my daughter is on the verge of a total breakdown, screaming so hysterically that the neighbors must be looking up the phone number for Child Protective Services.  Her cry is ridiculous.  You have to hear it to understand.  Most people are as impressed as they are horrified.

If you haven't had the pleasure of trying to change a baby's diaper while wearing only a ducky towel that is no larger than a dessert napkin, you just don't know what you're missing.  And I envy you.  I attempt to do it every morning and it is just impossible.  It never gets easier.  My daughter has super-human strength by the way.  I will get into that another time.  The diaper changing is a story all it's own.

I put her on my bed and try to get dressed, do my makeup, do my hair, put in contacts and find earrings.  This is something that would probably take the average person maybe 15-20 minutes, depending of course on where you work and how much makeup you are caking on.  For me, on work days I wear just enough to not make people run screaming so I would say 15 minutes would get the job done from out of the shower to finished product.  But not once in the history of me getting ready has that ever happened.

Having children, I have the added joy of trying to take care of these basics in 10 second increments, interrupted by hundreds of mini-disasters and near-catastrophies.  I go from one anxiety-inducing incident to another: diving to catch her from falling, rolling or jumping off the bed; just barely making it to grab her from the top of the stairs; pulling the coffee mug away from her just before she wears it or drowns herself in it; letting the cat out of the room a split-second before he claws her face off; getting the nail clippers away from her right before she cuts herself and prying the remote out of her hands.  This is immediately followed by spending at least 5 minutes trying to fix the TV from her pressing the only button combination that renders it crippled in a land of settings menus.  This is just a small glimpse into what goes on.  I simply don't have enough time on my hands to get into more accurate detail of these accounts.  All this goes on before the boy even wakes up, and then there's a whole new world of obstacles!