- Don't hold teleconferences from your cube and expect the rest of the world to be quiet. Likewise, don't expect the rest of the world to be impressed that you hold teleconferences.
- Keep it down when you are on the phone. No one gives a damn.
- Don't tell me to keep it down when I'm on the phone.
- Don't slam your office door. You're not so important that you are allowed to slam things, even if you think you are.
- Don't shuffle your feet when you walk. I don't care what your ethnic background, in America we pick up our feet when we walk, got it?
- Don't wear sandals if your feet haven't seen a nail clipper since 92. Also, sandals should not be worn if any or all of your toes cannot be corralled at least somewhat. This goes for the rouge pinkie toe sticking out the side and above all this goes for the claw foot that wraps over the front of a shoe like a fist clutching a ball. In fact, this goes for everyone, everywhere - not just work.
- Don't pull me from a personal conversation with my co-workers to talk to you in your office when you could have just told me then and there. I don't need anyone jumping to conclusions thinking we are having an affair or that I respect you or some nonsense like that.
- Don't spend 20 minutes going on and on or back and forth about something needing to be done that you could have just done yourself in 5 seconds.
- Don't email people very early or very late to prove you are more dedicated. I give, you win. Now go back to "working from home" and tell the beach I said hi.
- Don't point out that I'm late. I know that already. Please refer to my previous blog for any number of excuses. Chose your favorite and have a great day.
Restrooms - this needs a section all it's own...
- A one stall buffer zone is expected. If there are other open stalls, don't chose the one right next to someone else. You wouldn't sit next to someone in an auditorium without a one seat buffer would you?? Of course not.
- If you feel the need to go all Spider Man and scale the walls to straddle-but-not-touch the seat, for the love of God, clean up after yourself!! You're gross and everyone knows it was you.
- If you walk in and hear someone in a stall cough, clear their throat or blow their nose, that means "I'm in here waiting for you to leave". Get the hell out of there before it's too late.
- If you see a set of feet in the stall just waiting there, this too means you should move it along. Doing your hair, checking out your skin in the awful lighting and even brushing your teeth is not appropriate at this time. They aren't sitting in there because it's comfy.
- Never brush your teeth in the lavatory. That is just plain nasty. While you think you are getting plaque off your teeth, you are actually welcoming a whole host of germs, bacteria and airborne fecal matter into your nasty mouth.*
- Never floss in the bathroom either! Same reasons as above, plus the added danger of flicking your nasty teeth bits on innocent bystanders.
- No eye contact. I just heard you let one slide while you were peeing, so can we just agree to chat about your weekend later and act like this never happened? When I'm looking at you like "oh your weekend sounds so interesting!" I'm actually not even listening to you because I'm too preoccupied with my thoughts of "oh you nasty bitch, I can't believe you just cracked one off 30 seconds ago and have the nerve to come out here and gab"
- Never poop in work unless your bowels are about to rupture.
- If your bowels are about to rupture and you just have to, then wait until everyone that was there when you came in has left before you walk out. I'm pretty sure they don't want to know just as much as you don't want them to know.
- If you get back to your desk and everyone notices you've been gone, quick and start talking about how "this" bathroom stunk so you went all the way to the downstairs one. (kill two birds with one stone on that one)
* this is based purely on my assumption and disgust but it sounds right so I submit it as fact.
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